


Hidden

by LadyBardock



Series: Darkness [4]
Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works, The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crossdressing, Dark, Forced Relationship, Gender Issues, M/M, Modeling, Physical Abuse, Rape/Non-con Elements, Secrets
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-16
Updated: 2015-07-16
Packaged: 2018-04-09 14:12:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 22,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4351961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyBardock/pseuds/LadyBardock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fili needs a beautiful girlfriend to hide his true sexual identity, so he chooses a beautiful model to play the role. However the model he chooses has a huge secret herself, or should I say himself ;)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Being born into one of the richest and most traditional families was huge burden. Philip Durin, called Fili by friends and family, loved the people around him; however he constantly felt the need to keeping many things secret from them. He was the sole heir of this uncle, and despite knowing that many people in his family were very tolerant towards people with different sexual orientations, coming out was not a thing Fili was ready to consider. His mother had been pressing him to find a nice girlfriend and start a family, but he did not have the guts to actually tell her that was not something he really wanted.  
  
The day he felt an attraction towards a man, he was dead terrified. He was a teenager, and his ranging hormones pointed towards a slim boy going to class with him. He did not dare confront his feelings, as he never dared to confront his family. At college he tried to hook up with a girl or two, but having no interest in sex drove both girls away after some time. Later it all went worse. Entering the family company, going to official business meetings made him a target for gold diggers. Some were very eager to get him to bed, and just a simple conversation with a girl put a target mark on his head. A girl even tried blackmailing him with her unborn child, but it was swiftly proven by his lawyers that the child wasn’t his.  
  
That day sitting at another charity fashion show he was often invited to, he slowly was coming up with a solution. He watched the beautiful women walking on the catwalk, and slowly he was devising a plan. He desperately needed a girlfriend, one that would be accepted by his mother and actually make her shut up about his personal life. A girl who would accompany him to public events, and pose as his girlfriend in public, and at the same time have no illusions to actually marrying him and having a real relationship. And there was only one way to get a girlfriend like that, he would have to pay her enough to keep her in the role and keep his private stuff really private. Looking at the models he consider which girl would be perfect to approach. She had to tall and slim and beautiful. He wasn’t looking for smart and interesting; he was looking for a beauty which would push away any suspicions that he wasn’t interested in women. When he was a slim young girl walk onto the catwalk he suddenly felt a ting of interest. She had really long wild brown hair. Her hair was wavy and wild attracting everyone’s attention. Her body was boyish and slim. As she came closer he saw beautiful dark brown eyes highlighted by skilled makeup. She was wearing a flimsy dress outlined with feathers, which left little to imagination. Her legs long, her chest flat. She was a model according to any definition. And she looked good enough to make his mother shut up about his private life.  
  
. . . . .  
  
When Gandalf called Kili to the office, she was surprised. Her adoptive father rarely called her into business meetings. She noticed the same man who was at yesterday’s show. He immediately grasped her attention. He had short blond hair, a neatly trimmed beard. He was dressed less official than yesterday, and from under his t-shirt she could see a tattoo climb up his left arm. He was short and buff, her complete opposite. But just like her he was beautiful in his own kind. She felt interested yesterday, but now she was dead curious why he came to the office.  
  
“Dear Kiliana please sit down.” Gandalf showed her the chair opposite the man, and she swift took the seat, folding her legs in the tight dress. “Mr Durin came here today to propose a unique deal for both of us. And I must admit Mr. Durin I would normally not consider such a deal, however you seem to be an honest young man.”  
  
“Mr. Durin would you please tell Kiliana what services you require from her?” Gandalf asked the man and looked attentively to Kili.  
  
“I need a girlfriend.” The man slowly told her. “Not in the standard sense, my family has been really stubborn that I get married with a girl of their choosing. So I need a girl to play the role of my girlfriend for an extended time.”  
  
“How long?” Kili asked slowly.  
  
“At least a year or two. I want them off my back, so a few dates won’t do.” Fili quietly told her, he could see the young girl get nervous.  
  
“What would you require from me as your official girlfriend?” She slowly asked.  
  
“I have to go to many official meetings; I would also need your company for family events, holidays and other such events. It would also be best if you actually move into my apartment.” He explained what he really needed. “I would also require privacy and that you keep secret anything private things that may come out during our so called relationship.”  
  
“But my dear, this deal does not require you to share a bed with him, or any intimate contacts. You’ll be roommates as far as living together.” Gandalf specified the deal. “You will probably share a kiss from time to time in public, but considering how handsome this boy is, it should be easy for you.” He blinked at her.  
  
Fili began worrying that the girl was getting even tenser with every minute.  
  
“What will I get from this deal?” Kili slowly voiced.  
  
“A million pounds a year. A good car and a driver, and a credit card with a big limit.” Fili spoke looking carefully at her reaction.  
  
“A lot of free promotion, going to the best events.” Gandalf specified. “You’ll be in good hands, and I’ll finally be able to go visit Elrond in France.”  
  
“Who’s going to take care of the agency?” Kili faced Gandalf.  
  
“Bilbo and Frodo will do fine with the agency.” Gandalf specified. “Of course if you keep a watchful eye it would be best darling.”  
  
“Will I be able to work and continue school?” Kili asked quietly.  
  
“Maybe not full time, but I would like you to stay in the spotlight.” Fili told her, watching her nervously grip the cloth of her dress. “What school are you finishing?”  
  
“High school.” Kili spoke really quietly. “I’m home schooled by teachers to meet my work schedule.”  
  
“Are you legally of age?” Fili asked worried.  
  
“My eighteenth birthday was five weeks ago.” Kili informed him.  
  
“So you’re old enough to make your own decision.” Gandalf summed up. “I really think you should take this deal, I believe that both of you will become friends and it would be great if you actually met some nice people for a change.”  
  
“I’ll pack my things by the end of the week; I need to get that job done in Italy first.” Kili told him trying not to show how nervous she actually was.  
  
“That’s fine, write the address down and my driver will pick you up as soon as you’re ready.” Fili stood up and extended his hand to Gandalf first. “It was nice doing business with you Mr. Grey.” “Same here dear boy.” Gandalf shook his hand. Kili gently extended her hand towards him, but indeed of shaking it he brought it to his face and gently kissed the rim of her hand. Kili desperately tried to not show how much she was shaking.  
  
When Kili sat on her luggage packed to move in with her “boyfriend” she could only think about what kind of mess Gandalf got her into this time. Living with a man was a challenge anytime; living with a man she was attracted to be suicide. Living with a man and pretending to be a woman was not just getting dressed up to walk on the catwalk. It was pretending to be a girl 24/7 and poor Kili was scared he would make a mistake. After all he was not a girl. “Remember the deal he proposed means he’s got some big secrets to hide, so even if your secret comes out he will probably sweep it under the rug. He’s paying you too much to risk losing this deal, especially in the profession of modelling. Money comes and goes; you’ll be able to be on top only several more years. Two years with this guy around will set you up for life.” Gandalf was right, Kili could do it.


	2. Chapter 2

The day Mr. Grey came to the orphanage and chose him was a happy day for little Kili. He was a lovely boy, and his personality was cheerful. Mr. Grey a kind older gentleman, and unbeknown to Kili he saved the boy from a worse fate. Mr. Gandalf Grey was a fashion designer and he had a modelling agency. For years he had been suspecting Lobelia Sackville for searching the orphanages for beautiful children and later forcing them into the fashion industry or if the kids had failed she would sell them to brothels. When he heard Kili was a new target he swiftly took the boy in, wondering what to do with the kid next. The boy was a beautiful thing, but he was too feminine to become a male model. His hair a beautiful shade of brown falling in wild waves all around his head. His deep brown eyes curiously glared at the world. After some time Gandalf had the craziest idea in his career. At the age of barely thirteen he placed the kid in the spot of a model who broke her leg. He had no time to seek a replacement, so making Kili fill in seemed logical. What happened next blew him off his feet. The boy became a star overnight. All the fashions designers asked him to put him in show by their agencies, and the cash started flowing in higher amounts than for any model he ever had. He had remorse for pushing Kili into it, but the boy liked it. Changing his official name to Kiliana was just a formality, Kili immediately adapted to wearing girl clothes, and the status of star always gave him a private changing room. When he started growing reaching the height of most models, he was even more popular. Soon both of them stopped even thinking about him as a boy, and even in private they would refer to Kili as to a her.  
  
Kili never felt really boyish, she liked doing sports, but Gandalf would ask her to refrain from it not to gain too much muscle. She liked playing around, and the fashion industry was her element. She loved to walk on the catwalk and feel all the eyes on her body. Flirting with men was easy, and even though none of them new the truth for her it was natural to target men.  
  
Because of the secrecy of her identity she had few friends. And apart from Bilbo and Ori no one knew about the problematic sexual topic. Over the years no one ever doubted his identity as a girl. The documents were taken care of by Gandalf, who was a magician in getting seemly impossible things done. Homeschooling made her life very isolated, but it was easier to keep appearances.  
  
The day she moved in with Mr. Durin was really emotional for her. The apartment was beautiful, it was on one of the top floors in a posh rich area, overlooking the river and city. She got a huge room for herself and a huge walk-in wardrobe. As they sat down later in the living room Kili finally decided to try to get to know her new boyfriend.  
  
“So would you like me to call you Mr. Durin?” She smiled hesitantly.  
  
“Of course not.” He smiled widely at her, and she could feel her heart jump. “My name is Philip, however close friends and family call me Fili. I think it would be best if you refer to me as Fili, Kiliana.”  
  
“Kili.” She hesitantly replied. “That’s what Gandalf and my friends call me.”  
  
“You’re not joking are you? Fili and Kili!” Fili started laughing. “The press is going to love it, when they find out.”  
  
“It is a strange coincidence.” Kili replied with a smile.  
  
“How do you like your room?” He asked her, taking in how beautiful she looked when she was clearly more comfortable.  
  
“It’s really nice. I’ve still got some clothes at the house, but I’ll get them later during the week.” She explained. “I was thinking, how do you usually manage living here alone?”  
  
“Well, there’s a maid coming in twice a week to clean up, but I usually eat out or cook myself.” Fili explained. “So don’t worry I’m not asking you to do any of those things.” He showed her his widest smile.  
  
“I actually like cooking.” Kili confessed. “So when I’m home I’d like to cook.”  
  
“How would you like to go out tonight for dinner?” Fili asked hesitantly.  
  
“The sooner we start going public the better.” Kili noticed immediately. “I’m going to get dressed properly.” She smiled at him and ran towards her room.  
  
He watched her disappear in the room he gave her, thinking about how cute she looked when she was enthusiastic. Ever since the first moment he saw her, he had a strange feeling of connection, but he decided not to think much about it. She came back twenty minutes later wearing a short red dress complimenting her brown hair. He could see her beautiful long legs, and he immediately noticed the way she had done her makeup and hair made older then she actually was. She smiled at him happily and he could feel a tingling of lust for the creature in front of him. He was completely surprised he would react to her, maybe he was all wrong about himself this whole time. Or maybe it was the boyish look in her that made him wonder if she was actually the only girl he could really go out with.  
  
They went down to the garage to get into his car, but Kili reaction made him stop in his tracks.  
  
“You drive a Volvo 1800? What year is it?” Kili asked curiously going around the car in her amazingly high heels.  
  
“1967” Fili immediately told her watching her enthusiasm with curiosity. “So you’re interested in cars? Few of my friends know what kind of car this is.”  
  
“I have tones of car albums, it’s one of my hobbies.” Kili took the passenger’s seat and smiled at him. “Will you let me drive one day?”  
  
“Do you have a driver’s license?” Fili asked jokingly.  
  
“I got it three weeks ago.” Kili joked.  
  
“Then you’ll have to wait some time before I trust you with this beauty. But tomorrow we can go for a drive in one my other cars.” Fili explained. “Of course one of the less expensive ones!” Kili replied with hysterical laughter.  
  
“How many cars do you actually have?” Kili asked when she stopped laughing.  
  
“Five here, and three more at home. Not all of them as posh as this one.” Fili explained.  
  
Soon they arrived at the restaurant, and Kili was surprised to see one of the most expensive restaurants in town. “Should I get used to this?” She smiled at him.  
  
“Everything for my beloved girlfriend.” He smiled at her sincerely.  
  
“You’re the best boyfriend in the world.” She leaned in and planted a timid kiss on his cheek knowing that all the eyes were on them.  
  
They had a fantastic time together, joking and flirting a bit, feeling many eyes on them. Kili could only think about how comfortable she felt in his presence, like they were really a loving couple. As soon as they left the restaurant a group of paparazzi tried to take photos of them, so Fili took Kili under her arm and smiling at her he lead her towards his car, knowing their photos would be on the front page of all the tabloids on Monday.  
  
When Fili finally arrived at his room he could only think of her lips on his cheek kissing him timidly for the first time. He sat on the bed with shock still feeling how aroused that little kiss made him. Maybe he wasn’t gay after all. Maybe he just had to wait to meet the right girl. Living with her was going to a predicament if she was going to make him so aroused. According to the deal he could not pursue her, but maybe with time if she were willing, something else might come out of their deal.  
  
Kili dropped on the bed completely terrified. Being with him was perfect, he was fun, witty, he treated her seriously not like a stupid teenager. When he took her hand, when she kissed him on the cheek, her stomach twisted wildly. She rarely left lust before, but what she felt with him was exhilarating. And she knew it was dangerous. If he ever found out the truth about her, she would never be able to be close to him again. She cried herself to sleep not knowing what to do.


	3. Chapter 3

In the following weeks they got to know each other well. Kili loved living with him, as they ate the dinners she would prepare, as they went out to town, as Fili patiently practised driving with her. She was having more fun than ever, his presence was inspiring, and she felt happy. If only she could really kiss him, if only she could tell him the truth. If only he would accept her in his life knowing the truth. Kili was torn between the feelings she felt. She lusted for him. Whenever she would see him without a shirt walking around the huge flat, when she saw his tattoos for the first time. He had a beautiful dragon reaching from his back onto his arm, and another one depicting a mountain on the left side of his back. She wanted to touch them, she wanted to trace her lips over the tattoos. She could barely keep her hands off him, she wanted to touch him badly. When he would take her hand, she felt tingling all over her body. When she would be alone, she wished she could stop pretending to be a girl. She dreamt of his hands caressing her body, and when she would try to ease the tension of her lustful body she dreamt it was his hands touching her. She was engulfed with the feelings inside her heart. He was perfect, he was all what she ever wanted in a boyfriend. And with terror she realised she was falling in love with him. She regretted ever agreeing to that stupid contract.  
  
Fili was lost to say the least. After all those years of thinking about men, a beautiful girl settled in his life and heart. She was gorgeous, especially early in the morning with messy tangled hair, wearing casual homey clothes. She would make them both coffee still half asleep, but she never needed to get up early, she would do that for him. She was dazzling when they would go out in the evenings, wearing the best clothes, full makeup and having her hair in fancy hairstyles. When they went out he always knew all the eyes of all the men were always on her. She was the most beautiful girl anywhere they went. He felt really short next to her, but somehow it didn’t bother him. What bothered him was that he was wrong all along. He was wrong about his own sexual preferences, which practically drove him crazy. Lusting for the really young girl living with him was the worst thing which could happen to him. When he finally met a girl he could easily bed, it just had to be an eighteen year old girl who signed a contract to pretend to bed his girlfriend guaranteeing her no sexual activities. He was dying from sexual frustration, he even briefly considered finding another person to satisfy his needs, but just the thought of bedding anyone else put him off.  
  
One day he came home much earlier than normal, just to find Kili dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt he immediately recognised as one of his own. She was dancing around the kitchen preparing dinner, humming under her nose. Her hair was pulled back for the first time, and as soon as she looked at him, he noticed she wasn’t wearing any makeup. Kili just thought about how she looked, she was dressed as a boy, she wasn’t wearing any makeup, and her hair was up. This was her most boyish look, and she was terrified for him to see her like that.  
  
Fili immediately noticed the blush on her cheek, and he just smiled “You look good in anything.” He noticed quickly, and he saw the blush go deeper red.  
  
“I didn’t think you would come home so early.” Kili quietly replied. “I would be dressed more properly.” She swallowed hard.  
  
“You’re at home, you can dress in whatever you like.” Fili glanced at his own t-shirt on Kili. He slowly approached her. Somehow this even more boyish look made him even more aroused. She looked beautiful, and her blush was intriguing. He briefly wondered, after all he found out about her he was positive she was virgin. She was as innocent as a child, but the glare he was receiving now from her was far from innocent. He could see curiosity in her eyes, as he was approaching her to stand right in front of her. “You can even walk around naked, if you like.” He gently whispered to her breathing in her natural scent. Without her normal perfume she smelled like oranges with a musky undertone. He loved her natural smell, and he briefly wondered what the smell of their sex would be.  
  
“I wouldn’t feel comfortable walking around naked.” Kili finally answered, and he could see her tremble.  
  
“I would never like you to feel uncomfortable.” Fili whispered back, he could see the deep blush on her cheeks. Their eyes meet and held each other’s gaze. Kili felt being pulled in by those deep blue eyes, she just wanted to be able to touch him and he was so close. She just reached out, and brushed her fingers along his lips. They were so soft, and as her finger went over his lower lip he breathed in deeply. Before they both could register what was happening, Fili pulled her down into a deep kiss. Kili could feel her lips press against his, and she gasped letting his tongue into her mouth. Fili immediately realised it was her first kiss, she had no idea how to breath and kiss at the same time, so he let her grasp a breath and pressed his lips again. Their bodies melted into each other, and Kili for the first time could touch him as much as she wanted. Her hands gently roamed over his shoulders and touched his hair. She was learning fast and the pleasure of having him near was overwhelming. The moment she felt his hand on her stomach under his own t-shirt she realised they were playing a very dangerous game. A game she could only lose when he would realise the truth. With all the strength she had in her she pulled away and darted into her room locking the door behind her.  
  
He could hear her cry from inside the room, he wanted to knock on the door and tell her he was sorry. He was the older on, he should be the more responsible one. She was innocent, and what they just did was against the contract they both agreed to. Hearing her cry made his heart bleed, and with terror he realised he had fallen in love with her.  
  
. . . . .  
  
The evening later was awkward. When she finally came out of the room, she was properly dressed in full make up. He looked at her sadly, and he tried to apologise, but she didn’t let him, and cut him off saying she would rather not come back to the topic. He could see her tremble, but she was trying to be strong and face him. It was hard to see her that way, feeling clearly uncomfortable.  
  
“I know you’re a virgin.” He finally told her. “I’m sorry for going onto you so hard.” He slowly tried again, and he could see her blush even though she had makeup on.  
  
“I promise never to do anything you wouldn’t like.” He gently took her hand, and he felt her tremble nervously. “That’s not a part of our agreement, so unless you take the first step I promise not to cross the line again.”  
  
“I feel embarrassed.” She finally admitted. “I’m scared.” She looked at him pleadingly.  
  
“We don’t need to rush this.” Fili pulled her hand to his lips, he desperately wanted to feel her skin with his lips. “I’ll wait until you are ready. And if you never chose to fully be with me I will also accept it.” He told he sadly, suddenly he saw tears in her eyes. Kili kept thinking about what she really wanted, about how she really wanted him, but she couldn’t just tell him anything. The tears came from nowhere, he never cried in the presence of other people. And before she knew it she was on Fili’s lap, hugged tightly and having a soothing hand gently move along her back. Fili gently rocked her until she stopped sobbing quietly. “I know you’re confused and this is too early, just be with me as a friend.” He gently kissed off the tears from her cheeks, which made her eyes glitter with lust again. Fili immediately realised it was going to an emotional rollercoaster, having this beautiful girl in his life and not having her in his bed despite of the lust filling both of them. Kili looked into his eyes, and gently pressed her lips against his. “I wish I could, but I can’t.” She whispered hugging him back. “I know darling, I know.” Fili rocked her gently trying not to give into urges filling his head and loins.


	4. Chapter 4

"I'm really scared." Kili told Ori, as they were sitting in Ori's flat. They met in the orphanage many years ago, and Ori was his best and longest friend. Gandalf supported the boy in school later, and thanks to him the shy bookworm was accepted to college and worked part time in a library. Some students joked that he was meeting with a beautiful model like Kili, but none of them knew the truth.  
  
"I didn't like this deal from the start. Gandalf despite being a great person left you alone, just to go on that trip to France." Ori told Kili bitterly. "Do you think he suspects who you really are?"  
  
"I doubt it." Kili replied. "He treats me like a girl. He even kissed me..." He finally admitted hesitantly to his best friend.  
  
"Oh my Mahal!" Ori gasped. "How was it?" He could see Kili turn bright red.  
  
"Emotional. It was really difficult to pull back." Kili finally admitted. "He came on me really hard." He gasped thinking about it again.  
  
"And you wish he would do it again." Ori summed up with a shy smile, and Kili just nodded. "But if you go further he will eventually realize who you are." Ori summed up grimly.  
  
"In my opinion you should just tell him. It'll be much worse if he finds out by accident, or while coming onto you again." Kili blushed even more and looked at the floor.  
  
"I want him." He finally admitted. "But I don't want to lose him." Kili started crying.  
  
"You don't really have a choice, if he's interested in you sexually, he will find out sooner or  
  
later." Ori told Kili trying to calm him down. "Have you found out what his big secret is?" But Kili just shook his head. "If you knew what he is hiding so badly, you would have leverage if your big secret comes out."  
  
"I'm worried about one thing." Ori told Kili after a moment of thinking. "I've never seen you so badly in love, and if he finds out he might break your heart. And if you stay away from him, he might go and fulfil his needs with someone else."  
  
Kili blinked hard hearing those words. "What do you mean?"  
  
"He's a handsome rich man; he's probably had lots of opportunities to satisfy himself all his life. Having you around no matter how beautiful and how innocent won't work long for him. Men his age have bigger needs and expectations; believe me I know from my own experience." Ori summed up remind himself of his unhappy relationship, which left him in a huge depression. Dwalin had rejected him saying he'll never be able to introduce a boy into his family, and left him completely heartbroken.  
  
"So what do you suggest I do with that?" Kili asked hesitantly.  
  
"Keep him satisfied sexually." Ori spoke barely above a whisper.  
  
"How do you imagine that without telling him about me?" Kili gasped, and Ori slowly told him how. The explanation almost giving Kili a heart attack.  
  
. . . . .  
  
Over the next few days Kili went to several shows and he would do lots of shopping. He knew they were going on a trip to the north of Scotland, to the Erebor Castle to meet the family. He was dead nervous. Hiding his secret having so many people around, being so near to Fili and pretending to be with him, when he really wanted to be with him, was devastating.  
  
Fili on the other hand was worried what his mother will say to his girlfriend, and how to behave around Kili without scaring the girl more. He wanted so much more from her and the sexual frustration was driving him crazy. He could barely keep his hands to himself. He used every chance just to hold her hand and kiss her. He tried not to make the kisses go deeper, but every time he even thought about her he would become stone hard.  
  
When they finally arrived, he could see Kili tense up a lot. She had been very comfortable around him the last weeks, so seeing her go back to the uncomfortable state from months ago was heart breaking for him. His mother, a short tough build woman, with piercing blue eyes was already waiting for them on the steps of the castle. He pulled Kili out of the car, and under the suspicious eyes of his mother he introduced his girlfriend. Dis looked Kili up and down, and immediately saw another gold digger. She was too perfect for her taste, too tall and too beautiful. She greeted the girl coldly and wondered how long her son would actually keep bringing these false girlfriends and pretend to be really interested in women. She knew her family well, and even as a teenager he was showing the same symptoms her brother had.  
  
This time she planned to force her son to confront her and she decided to give them one bedroom and to see his reaction. Her plan had worked perfectly and she could see the shock on both of their faces, but Fili did not address the topic, and the girl just smiled happily which irritated Dis even more. She wanted her son to confront and tell her the truth, but he didn't.  
  
Later when the young couple stayed in the room to unpack Fili turned worried to Kili.  
  
"I'm not sure how this work." Fili told her looking at the huge double bed in the middle of the room.  
  
"How many of your girlfriends has she met already?" Kili asked hesitantly thinking about the cold glare he got from Dis.  
  
"Three, but this is the first time she would give me one room to stay in. So asking for another room would be suspicious." Fili quickly noticed.  
  
Kili smiled to that. "I'm not really worried." He blushed trying not to look at Fili.  
  
"One room and one bed mean it will be difficult." Fili told her shyly.  
  
"I was actually counting on it." Kili slowly approached Fili trying to be as bold as possible despite her shaking hands. She gently traced the tattoo on his arm gently with her finger tips, and felt him shiver under her touch. She moved her hand from his arm to glide over his stomach and finally rest on the front of his jeans. She could feel him tremble under her touch, she heard his ragged breath, and she could feel the stone hard erection under her hand.  
  
"You're playing with fire..." Fili gasped.  
  
"I've always been brave." She replied kissing him gently on the lips. "I might not be ready to go full with this, but I'm not going to ignore you." She rasped and gently tucked on his t-shirt and pulled it off him, to move her fingers over his muscles and firm body.  
  
"There are many ways of having fun, aren't there?" She spoke quietly and moved her lips over his collar bone and down his stomach. When she was kneeling right in front of him, looking up into his eyes, he could see the lust in her eyes. He could see her hesitate a bit, but then her eyes became firm and she bravely unzipped his jeans only to hear him gulp.  
  
As she took his erection into her hands and started playing with it he could only moan and breathe deeply. He was astonished she would do this for him, and seeing her sitting on the floor in front of him made his dreams come true. He reached down and started playing with her hair, as she hesitantly kissed the tip of his penis, but later she just smiled and took it all into her mouth.


	5. Chapter 5

Thorin just wanted to greet his beloved nephew, so he decided to find him in his room. He quietly opened the door to surprise Fili, but instead he got the surprise of his life. There in the room Fili always stayed in was Fili, but shirtless and a beautiful girl was sitting on the floor giving him a blow job. Thorin gasped and immediately went out trying to catch his breath. Fortunately the couple was so focused on what they were doing that they didn’t notice him sneak up on them. He could have known Fili would show up with someone, but usually it was fake girlfriend for show to make Dis stop babbling about grandchildren. Usually they would stay away and sleep in separate bedroom. And usually those girls were never involved emotionally or sexually with his nephew. He always thought Fili was gay just like himself, and he suspected his sister was trying to provoke the boy into coming out all the wrong ways. Thorin had been lonely most of his life, always scared of committing and coming out officially. But here he got the surprise of his life, Fili brought in a girlfriend, and moreover he knew exactly how close they were. He tried to fight off the erotic image he just witnessed and to ignore the hard on he got from the view. He headed towards his own room to calm down and think it all over.  
  
When he finally came down to dinner he was greeted with a smile from Fili, who looked happier and more relaxed than ever. He was holding a beautiful girl with long dark brown hair, and beautiful big brown eyes. What surprised him was the shy smile the girl gave him, quite surprising consider what he witnessed earlier. She looked really slim, like a model, and considering her clothes he briefly wondered if she was a professional model. But what made his heart warm up was the warm gaze Fili gave her anytime no one was looking, and the shy replies from the girl. They looked so much in love it was too sweet to bear. Looking at the girl closer one thing was making him worried. She was younger than Fili, much younger, and considering her shyness and general youthfulness he was getting worried about the age of this girl.  
  
. . . . .  
  
“So what do you do for a living?” Dis bluntly asked the girl in front of everybody at the dinner table.  
  
“I’m a model.” Kili replied shyly.  
  
“I knew it; you’re Kiliana Grey aren’t you?” Gimli, Fili’s cousin, asked with enthusiasm. “I’ve seen you on shows in London and New York!”  
  
“Where did you two meet?” Dis asked suspiciously.  
  
“At a show.” Kili replied hesitantly.  
  
“You do know how to speak in sentences?” Dis asked stubbornly.  
  
“Mother, that remark was out of place.” Fili told her coldly, taking Kili by the hand. “I thought you knew the meaning of politeness.”  
  
“Well excuse me; it’s not my idea to go out with a girl who’s got only looks and no brains.” Dis attacked Kili not considering her son’s feelings.  
  
Kili lifted her head and looked straight at her, she could clearly see anger in those big brown eyes.  
  
“At least I make my own money, and I don’t need to count on my family to pay my bills.” Kili replied spitefully. Fili looked surprised first time seeing Kili so decisive and firm. Other family members just gasped, but Fili could see Thorin try to hide a smile.  
  
“Walking half naked most of the time, is not a decent profession.” Dis replied coldly.  
  
“At least most people would want to see me half naked.” Kili replied swiftly.  
  
Dis just huffed. “Fili will you let her talk to your mother like that?” She turned towards her son.  
  
“You started playing with fire, so it’s your problem.” Fili just laughed and gently hugged Kili.  
  
Dis just grunted and changed the topic.  
  
. . . . .  
  
“Give the girl a break.” Thorin told his sister when they were in private.  
  
“I just wanted to provoke her. I thought that if I get her all emotional she would show her true self.” Dis told her brother crossly.  
  
“And you just achieved irritating the girl and your son at the same time.” Thorin told her coldly. “Even I can see they are in love. It’s the first real girlfriend he brought home so instead of ruining the mood be happy your son is happy.”  
  
“But I always thought he wasn’t interested in girls.” She gasped trying to explain. “I still think it’s just a play to get me to stop talking about grandchildren.”  
  
“I thought the same, but it turned out we were wrong. I personally witnessed how close they are, and one thing is for sure their relation is very close and very intimate. It’s the real deal.” Thorin told her briefly not going into details. “I’ve got a different worry. Can you tell me how old do you think she is?” Dis’s eyes went wide considering what he said.  
  
. . . . .  
  
Apart from the difficult dinner, Kili felt well at the castle. Most of Fili’s family were nice people. Fun loving, loud and joyful. Gimli, Bofur and several other cousins were really sweet to her, the older generation ignoring her, while the younger cousins would ask her strange questions. Two younger girls asked her to show her how to do makeup better, and for tips on clothes. Fili loved to see Kili happy and generally accepted. With everyday they were becoming closer and closer, and he had a feeling spending the rest of his life with her would be the best thing in his life. Sleeping in the same bed was less stressful than he expected. Kili did as much as possible to keep him satisfied, without going deeper into the intercourse, and although he wanted to satisfy Kili as well she would also elude him. He wanted so much more with her. He wanted to touch her whole body, and to have her under him. But being able to kiss her and touch her and hold her in public and at night was very comforting.  
  
After the first day, Dis was more pleasant trying to cover up the bad impression from the first dinner, and slowly she was warming up to the tall beautiful girl her son brought home. She gently asked the girl questions, and slowly the stay at Erebor was becoming pleasant. She was surprised to hear that Kili actually had some ambition, and after finishing her modelling career she was hoping to go to University. Dis kept thinking about the question her brother asked her, and getting to know the girl better she realized she was still a teenager. She didn’t dare ask directly, but she found out that Kili was homeschooled and finishing high school programme.  
  
. . . . .  
  
“So you believe she is still a teenager?” Thorin asked carefully. “That would make the age different probably around ten years.”  
  
“Are you going to talk to him or shall I?” Dis asked hesitantly.  
  
“You’ve already said too much to both of them.” Thorin replied curtly.  
  
. . . . .  
  
When Thorin asked Fili to come to his office alone, Fili had a bad feeling. But what he didn’t expect what an interrogation about Kili.  
  
“I’ve been wondering since day one,” Thorin slowly began, “how old is she?”  
  
Fili gasped hearing that question, he knew Kili was bit too young, but most people looking at her would never tell her age. He obviously didn’t consider the insight of his uncle.  
  
“She’s eighteen.” He slowly told him.  
  
“You know she’s too young.” Thorin told him bluntly. “If you mother had known she would have never put you both in one room. She’s just a child.”  
  
“I know how delicate and innocent she is.” Fili told him trying not to look into his uncle eyes.  
  
“You better not hurt her, she’s a wonderful person and she’s more fragile than you think she is.” Thorin told Fili his observations.  
  
“I love her.” Fili told his uncle.  
  
“I know you do.” Thorin replied. “But young love is different, it easily falls into pride or anger, and I honestly hope both of you will manage to deal with a relationship like this.”


	6. Chapter 6

The worst day for Kili came unexpectedly. It turned out Dwalin was the last cousin to arrive at the family meeting. Fili immediately noticed Kili tense up, and he could see the glare Dwalin gave Kili. They greeted politely but Fili had a feeling Kili was angry at Dwalin for something.  
  
When Kili got the chance to approach Dwalin alone, he just whispered "You took something that does not belong to you." Dwalin gave the girl a cold stare. "Meet me in front of the library after dinner."  
  
Fili noticed Kili sneak out, jealously suggested she was doing something wrong, but in reality he found her in their bedroom, crying and holding something tightly. He came closer and hugged her and gently asked her what happened.  
  
"You remember my best friend Ori?" Kili asked after a moment, and Fili nodded. "He had been in a long relationship since he was sixteen. He met this guy in front of a bar near his library. They kicked off very quickly and Ori fell really deeply in love. But after some time it turned out his lover was ashamed to be in a relationship with him. Ori was devastated and depressed, especially when it turned out his lover took something very important from him." He showed the photo album he was holding tightly.   
  
"When his lover refused to pick up his calls and didn't even give him a chance to ask to get it back, Ori tried to commit suicide." Kili quietly wept thinking back to that time. "I managed to save him; I called in the ambulance and tended to the cuts on his wrists. He was mad at me for sometime but later after many therapy sessions he came out of it." Kili quietly explained.  
  
"What was so important to him?" Fili gently asked and Kili leaned into him and opened the photo album.   
  
"I never told you but I and Ori met in an orphanage." Fili inhaled deeply looking at a photo of little Kili held by an older boy with red hair.  
  
"He was three years older so he always looked out for me. And when I was adopted by Mr. Gray, Mr. Gray founded a scholarship so that Ori could get a decent education." They flipped through the album and Fili could clearly see the first signs of beauty on little Kili's face. There were only a few photos from their childhood, in some Kili was sad, while on others she would be dressed like a boy with bruises and scratches.   
  
"You were really cute; at what age did you start modelling?" "I was thirteen." Kili flicked to show Fili a photo taken just one of the first shows, on which she, Ori and Mr. Grey were waving at the camera. They went over many more photos and Kili would tell him stories from her life. She stopped at the last photo on which Ori was being hugged tightly by his cousin Dwalin. Tears came back to her eyes and she closed the album.   
  
"We're going out soon I better get ready." She gave him a small kiss, pulled out a dress from the wardrobe and rushed to the bathroom still with tears in her eyes.   
  
Later they met with the younger members of the family in one of the party rooms. There were snacks, music and alcohol, but Kili refused to drink. As the party was going on it became clear to Kili that one of Fili's cousins was hitting on her, but no matter how hard she tried to get rid of him he just couldn't get why this new girlfriend of Fili's wasn't interested in him like all the others. Kili was getting uncomfortable but she didn't want to worry Fili who was having a great time. When Fili got up to get some more drinks, Dain sat just next to her and put his hand on her leg.   
  
She looked at him coldly and quietly grunted "Get your filthy hands off me!" „Don’t pretend you are not interested, after all you won’t be getting much from poor Fili! All you bitches want is a good fuck and a handful of cash!" Without thinking she slapped him hard and pushed his hand away.  
  
"I think this lady isn't interested in your company Dain, you'd better leave." Dwalin stood in front of them and extended his hand towards Kili to help her up.   
  
"So you're into gay men?" Dain chuckled evilly.   
  
"Better them than a swine like you." Kili left to find Fili. When she couldn’t find him, she decided to go back to their room, only to met Dain standing in her path blocking the way.   
  
"So you decided to get a real man tonight?" he told her with a lecherous smile. Kili just looked around for help but no one was there.   
  
"I'm going to my room alone." She informed him coldly. But the moment she tried to pass he grabbed her arm. "Let go" she growled at him feeling his fingers drill deep into her arm.   
  
"Don't pretend you don't want it." he gasped at her clearly aroused by his actions. Before he could register what was happening she kicked him in the groin, and sent a punch into his face.   
  
"When someone says no, it usually means no." She left him there on the floor cursing at her.  
  
She ran to the room and locked herself in the bathroom and decided to take a long hot shower.  
  
"You should have seen what your girl did to Dain." Bofur laughed wildly.  
  
"I'm more concerned about what he did to her." Fili told them grimly.  
  
"She passed the test. Almost castrated him and gave him a black eye." Dwalin noticed coldly. „From what I saw she made it to your room safe and alone."  
  
Fili just breathed in deeply, he knew his cousins always tested the girls like that, but he was grim they gave the same test to Kili.  
  
"She didn't even react when Dain said you were gay!" Bofur was still talking about the scene, and didn't notice the startled face of his cousin.  
  
. . . . .  
  
Fili had drunk a little too much, his vision swirling a bit. He was glad Kili passed the test and brutally rejected Dain, but we was worried what that really meant for them. It meant she was faithful, it meant she really wanted him and not his money or family position. He wanted to go back to their room and make love with her wildly but in the back of his head he still knew it wasn’t the right time. At least that was what he thought until he entered the room to see her dressed only in a big towel, her wet hair hanging behind her reaching down to her ass. She smiled seeing him come in, and he just drowned into her eyes. She was beautiful beyond belief, her body slim and fit, her legs long and delicate. She has small feet, tiny ankles; she looked like a mermaid coming out straight from the ocean. He approached her slowly taking in her eyes looking at him with emotions he could not name. He pulled her closer to him and felt their bodies press together tightly.  
  
“Where were you?” She asked shyly.  
  
“They wanted to make me die from alcohol intake.” He joked as he moved his lips over her neck. He hugged her even tighter, moving his hands along her back just to feel her shiver into the touch. He pressed closer letting her feel his erection on her hip, and he gently moved against her.  
  
“I want you more than anything.” He whispered to her trying hard to remain in control of his body and emotions.  
  
She gasped loudly, and moved her tongue along his lower lip. “I’m not who you think I am.” She told him trying to finally tell the truth.  
  
“I don’t care who you are, I just want you.” Fili cut off her explanation.  
  
She looked at him deeply trying to weigh her options. “Are you sure?” She asked him hesitantly.  
  
“I want you no matter what.” He insisted, however, she still didn’t look convinced despite him assuring her. Instead of saying anything more he pressed their lips together and moved closer to her and grabbed hold of her tight. Feeling his lips pressed against hers, feeling his hands touch her gently and sensually she really wanted to give in.


	7. Chapter 7

Waking up the next morning Fili has the biggest hangover in his life. He hugged Kili tighter to himself, taking in the pleasant warmth of waking up next to him. Last night was blurry to say at best, but he was pretty sure they had sex. He still had the image of Kili beneath him, or the immense pleasure of being inside of him. He remembered the emotions which stirred in his heart feeling Kili gasp with pleasure as he touched him and played with his virgin body. The last thought made him wake up a bit more. Him. His lover from last night was not a girl. He shifted in bed to look more carefully at the person next to him. It was still Kili, the same long brown hair, the same beautiful face. He shifted more to slide his hand along Kili’s slim body. Touching him in this kind of intimate way it was evident that his boyish figure was indeed boyish in all aspects. He was an idiot. He should have noticed it sooner; Kili was like most models really slim and tall, and flat. But he should have noticed sooner.  
  
Suddenly he felt a wave of emotions. He loved Kili the girl, but he did not know Kili the boy. Kili lied to him; Kili had hidden something very important from him. Fili never experienced love before, and the feelings he felt for the person next to him mixed with rage and anger. He wanted him so badly, he wanted to be with him, but he could not bear the fact that Kili wasn’t honest with him. There were so many occasions when he could have told the truth. Fili thought they were friends that they were in a real relationship. His feelings towards Kili the girl were true; he wanted much more than just the contracted year or two. He dreamt of spending his life with the girl he fell in love with, he wanted to be normal and accepted by his family. A relationship with a boy, even having the identity of a girl, was not Fili’s dream.  
  
Fili slowly got up trying not to wake the person next to him, and he went into the bathroom to cool down and think this over.  
  
. . . . .  
  
Kili woke up alone and confused, he could hear the shower running and he slowly stretched his aching but satisfied body. Last night was exactly what he was dreaming about. Fili loved him, and from every touch, every move he could feel just how much Fili loved him. Kili just wanted to get up and scream to the world that they were together, that they were meant to be. He loved Fili so much, that it was exhilarating to think that last night was real.  
  
But when Fili came to the room some time later, there was no smile on his face. He avoided looking at Kili at all cost, and Kili felt sudden pain filling his heart. Kili watched Fili go to the wardrobe with a stone cold face, he observed as his lover chose some clothes, and later got dressed. Fili didn’t look at him, because if he had, he would have seen how sad Kili was. Kili just clutched the cover in his hands; realising last night was not a night of acceptance. He risked it all, to finally be with Fili fully and he lost it all. He wanted to break down and cry but somehow his heart went cold, and instead of crying he felt hollow inside. He saw his lover going out of the room without saying anything or even looking at him.  
  
Kili knew it was their last day at the castle, so he finally managed to find the courage to get up and get dressed, and go down for breakfast.  
  
He sat right next to Fili at the dining table as was expected, but he did not dare to look at his boyfriend.  
  
“Oh my how did you get those bruises dear?” Dis asked worried looking at Kili’s arm.  
  
“There was a little disagreement between me and Dain last night.” Kili replied trying to hide the marks Dain’s finger left on his arm. Fili glanced at Kili’s arm and he could feel another wave of anger come over him, so instead of saying how mad he was seeing those marks he just clenched his teeth.  
  
“So that’s why Dain has a black eye.” Dis smiled devilishly. “Good going girl.” And Kili just replied with a sad shy smile.  
  
“We’re all going hiking after breakfast, are you two going to join us?” Gimli asked, and to their surprised Kili replied that she would love to.  
  
Kili went back to their room to change his clothes, he knew he couldn’t wear jeans as he normally would, but he decided a tunic and leggings would work well enough, and he could still wear trekking boots to that set. Fili took a look at Kili changing his clothes, and he could only think about pushing him back into bed and taking him again. The leggings perfectly showed his slim legs, and the tunic looked more like a dress. He looked like a girl in every aspect. He saw Kili pull out of his luggage a pair of used trekking boots, and he just smirked. Fili dressed normally but he also had a pair of trekking boots.  
  
The boys were surprised to see Kili wearing professional boots, but after five kilometres it was evident that she could easily keep up with the fastest two of the group, Fili and Dwalin. While the other’s swayed behind at a slower pace.  
  
“I never thought of you as a girl who enjoys these kinds of activities.” Dwalin told Kili.  
  
“I’ve always loved trekking, and sports in general. But because of my career I can’t do sports too much.” Kili replied. “I can’t wait till I retire then I’ll be able to do any sport without thinking about the risk of gaining more muscles or not.” Kili laughed.  
  
“So how long do you plan to work as a model?” Dwalin continued to chat with Kili to Fili’s irritation.  
  
“As long as possible, most models retire at the age of twenty five or six, few get to work up till their thirties.” Kili explained. “I’m hoping for six or seven more years. Then I’m going to University.”  
  
“And what would you like to study?” Dwalin asked curiously.  
  
“I’m not sure yet. I was always good at languages, so maybe I could study that.” Kili slowly replied thinking over his answer. Then he went silent and looked in the distance admiring the beautiful Scottish views.  
  
As they were coming back to the castle Dwalin was very aware of the deep silence between Fili and Kili, which made him really worried. At first he hated the fact that Ori’s best friend would be around, but seeing the deep relation between the girl and his cousin, he could only be jealous knowing those two were together. But that silence made him worried, he wished all the best to this vibrant brunette, and looking at her he couldn’t stop regretting some difficult choices he made in his life.  
  
He wasn’t the only one to notice the rift, during dinner Thorin’s eyes noticed they young couple wasn’t talking, but what worried him even more were the lack of glances from Fili. As if Fili suddenly lost all interest in the girl right next to him.  
  
But the most aware of the change was Kili. He loved when they held hands, when the shared quick kisses when no one was watching. He loved to flirt with Fili, and to feel his attention. That day he felt more alone than even in his life. The person he loved most was right next to him, and so far at the same time. And he knew he was at fault for the chasm that appeared between them.


	8. Chapter 8

The last night at the castle started lonely and sad for Kili just to end with a worse undertone. He went to bed alone, fearing Fili will not come to their room, but reality was he did come only to wake Kili up and to take him many times until dawn came. For Kili the first night was beautiful full of love and lust, but the second was full of tears and desperation. It was sex in its purest form, without any trace of love, without any kisses any gentle touches, without any recognition who was the lover. Fili demanded his body, and took it without asking, not caring if it hurt or not, not caring to be gentle for the inexperienced boy. When it was over Kili would hide his tears in a pillow and hope nothing more would happen. As they drove home Kili wouldn’t look at Fili, all the way he was thinking about what his life would look like in the next months. He signed a contract but he felt like breaking it. The money seemed completely unimportant anymore, and he regretted everything deeply. He regretted meeting Fili, he regretted crossing the border specified by the contract, but mostly he regretted signing the stupid contract.  
  
The days were all the same, Fili would leave him alone all day, and he would only return home for the night. After the first several days of waiting with dinner, Kili decided to do the same go out as much as possible. He would take all the jobs he could get, so on many days he would just drop dead, and the remaining time he would stay at the Grey Agency or at Ori's or Bilbo's place. His friends kept asking what was wrong, but Kili was used to keeping his problems to himself. Most days he wouldn’t see Fili at all, but there were days when Fili would be waiting for Kili in his room. Those days were the worst. His body got used to the mindless sex, so it wasn't painful anymore, but the problem was his aching heart. He loved the feel of Fili's body on him, just one touch of Fili would make him hard, and the older man would use it to his advantage. They never talked anymore apart from firm demands Kili would hear in bed. Fili sometimes tortured him forcing him to come fast, or sometimes he would take him in such a way that Kili would be denied his own release. It was so empty, so saddening, that Kili for the first time understood why Ori attempted to kill himself.  
  
. . . . .  
  
Fili tried not to think of his unwanted flat mate. On one hand they were tied with the contract, but Fili knew he could just pay the agreed sum of money and get out of the deal. Deep inside he didn't want to let Kili go, but at the same time it hurt him a lot to have him around. He wanted him physically, but he longed to see the lust in Kili's eyes. He dreamt of seeing him smile again, of him flirting and taking initiative. He knew he had power over Kili's body, and he used it as punishment for betraying him. 

When he came home he wasn't surprised Kili wasn't waiting for him. He never waited with dinner for him anymore, and he would never get up early to make him coffee. They stopped going out, the same as they stopped holding hands, kissing or talking. He was just so mad at Kili, he wanted to yell everything out, but seeing those sad brown eyes always stopped those angry words bottled up in him. All the same his anger always stopped his hand from reaching out and gently touching Kili.  
  
It took him several days to notice that something was off, and when he entered Kili's room it was surprisingly clean and empty. His heart sank seeing the empty room, the keys and credit card on the bed. When he picked up the card he noticed a small piece of paper neatly folded to the size of the card. "I'm sorry." Fili sat on Kili's bed and cried holding the pillow which still smelled like Kili's favorite orange scented shampoo.  
  
. . . . .  
  
The step to leave Fili before the end of the contract was the most difficult thing Kili did in his life. Ori suggested that it might get Fili to react and notice Kili, but after many days his telephone was silent. So after a long heartache Kili decided to take a job in New York, the further away the better.  
  
. . . . .  
  
Fili sent away the credit card, only to get a reply from the bank that it had never been used. Staying in his flat was torture; everything there reminded him of the person who used to live there with him. The kitchen brought back memories of a beautiful Kili with sleepy eyes and tangled hair making him coffee in the morning. His Volvo brought back memories of Kili admiring it for the first time with enthusiasm and in-depth knowledge about the brand. The living room reminded him of the time Kili spent in his arms, flirting and kissing him. Loving him. Kili’s room was the only place where he could fall asleep, keeping Kili’s pillow tight to his chest. Fili was never a person to cry much, even as a child. But smelling that pillow always brought tears to his eyes. He kept wondering about all the things that happened, about the happy times, and about their first night. He kept remembering all the times they had sex later, and about how sad Kili was, and about how he would never smile or flirt with him anymore. Fili was in pain, but had no idea what to do with it.  
  
After several weeks of sulking all the time, he went back to Scotland to his family home. He wanted to stop thinking about Kili, but that place was even worse than his apartment. He not only had to sleep in the same room they stayed together last time, but he also had to face millions of questions from his mother and uncle. To his surprise his mother was mad at him for not brining Kili along, and she told him he was an idiot for letting such a nice girl leave his life. Thorin on the other hand tried not to attack, but asked questions trying to understand the situation better, which was even worse for Fili who couldn’t honestly answer those questions. The bed in his room reminded him of Kili, his room brought back memories of the first time Kili gave him a blow job, of their first real night together. In his dreams he could see Kili smile at him, hold him, but he would always wake up alone.  
  
Gimli came to visit as well, and as soon as he saw Fili he looked at him with cold eyes, and asked why Kili was so sad and alone in New York. Fili looked surprised, so Gimli explained he saw her during several fashion shows in New York and that they even talked a bit. He berated Fili, not letting him explain anything, about how thin the girl had become and about how depressed she seemed. Dis and Thorin hearing that news immediately renewed their assault on Fili, who just ran away and locked himself in his room.  
  
He locked the door and dropped to his knees. He didn’t know how to handle the pain; he wanted Kili so badly that it made him terrified. He needed Kili, he loved Kili. But he lost him. As he was on the floor he noticed something under the bed. He reached out to find Ori’s album. It must have been forgotten after their first night, or maybe because of the second night. Fili opened it to look again at the face of the person he loved most. He saw Kili’s smiling face again; the joy and cheerfulness clearly visible even at a young age. He looked absolutely beautiful as a child, with bruises and cuts clearly indicating he had problems sitting in one spot. He looked at the photos again but from a different perspective. The older Kili was, the sadder his eyes were. But still even on those last photos he would look straight into the camera and look cheerful. He remembered Gimli’s words about Kili becoming even thinner. He knew he was already very thin because of his profession, so the image of an even thinner Kili made him really worried.


	9. Chapter 9

Driving back to London was painful, but Fili finally knew at least one thing he had to do. He knew where Ori lived because he dropped off Kili several times there before, so he just went to the door and knocked. Ori was really surprised to see Fili at the door, but let him in without a word. His eyes became wide when he noticed the object Fili was carrying.  
  
“I thought I would never see it again.” Ori admitted quietly, taking a look at the photos he loved most. He stopped for a moment on one of the photos of the two of them as children and glided his finger over Kili’s face. “Those were good times. We were both really happy as children despite being in an orphanage, later when Mr. Gray adopted Kili it was even better. Until Kili took the job as a model.” Ori stopped suddenly.  
  
“Why do you say until that moment?” Fili asked quietly.  
  
“Kili always needed to feel useful, and when she could repay in a way the favour Mr. Gray did to her, she was really happy. But the job changed her, before she was a boy, later she had to be a girl full time. Instead of playing around, she practiced makeup and walked on the catwalk. I loved the old Kili, but the new Kili was a different person altogether.” Ori admitted. “She became more fragile, having to hide everything from everybody.”  
  
Fili noticed the marks on Ori’s arms as he was putting away the album. “Kili told me about how you got those.” He started quietly.  
  
“It’s a long and sad story.” Ori summed up not wanting to think again about the mistakes in his life.  
  
“My cousin saw Kili in New York, and he said Kili became very thin.” Fili told Ori hesitantly.  
  
“She’s very depressed.” Ori admitted. “She took the job in New York to be as far away as possible. You broke her heart just as I predicted you would. I tried to tell her not to engage emotionally in your deal, but we are all helpless when love appears in our lives.”  
  
“I love Kili.” Fili admitted looking at the shy librarian.  
  
“But you hurt her nevertheless.” Ori said. “She wouldn’t even tell me what you did to her, but I’ve never seen her in such a state.”  
  
“I wish there was something I could to turn back time.” Fili sighed looking at the floor.  
  
“Of course there is something you could do, buy a ticket to New York.” Ori told him handing a note with an address.  
  
. . . . .  
  
Kili was unhappy in New York. His job was boring, his flat was empty, his life was empty. He had no one there to talk to, and apart from all the men trying to flirt with him to get laid, and two occasions when he saw Gimli no one talked to him. His life felt hopeless, and slowly he was falling into despair. He understood Ori better and better with every passing day, and he wondered how his best friend managed to go on being rejected by his lover. They talked long hours on Skype, but the time difference made it sometimes difficult. He talked to Gandalf about the broken contract, but Gandalf wasn’t mad at him for it, he said Kili was adult enough to make his own decisions. He missed Fili so much he could feel pain in his whole body. He knew he became slimmer, but the sight of food made him sick. He just wanted to be left alone. Ori suggested he should go to therapy, but Kili didn’t trust anybody to start talking about such private issues.  
  
The day someone knocked on the door for the first time since she moved in came as a surprise. He opened the door to see the last person he was expecting to see ever again.  
  
Fili took in the changes with shock, Kili must have lost several kilograms, his skin really pale and eyes dark and gloomy. He looked horribly sad, and the eyes that met his were empty.  
  
“May I come in?” Fili asked gently speaking directly to Kili for the first time in months. He could see Kili hesitate, his eyes became even darker before he finally stepped away and gave him entrance to the flat. The living room was a mess, lots of thing laying around and several suitcases packed standing just near the door.  
  
“Are you moving?” Fili asked still worry that Kili didn’t even reply to him.  
  
“Yes.” Kili finally replied feeling Fili’s deep glare on him.  
  
“You look horrible.” Fili told him bluntly. “Have you been eating anything?”  
  
“I’m fine.” Kili replied lying.  
  
“You don’t look fine.” Fili spoke at him angrily.  
  
“What do you care?” Kili looked at him finally showing some emotion in his eyes, and it was despair which made Fili shiver with horror.  
  
“I don’t want you hurt or unhappy.” Fili admitted after some time. “Get dressed we’re going out to dinner.”  
  
“I’m not going anywhere with you.” Kili replied.  
  
“Then we’ll order some pizza here.” Fili was stubborn to make sure Kili would eat something.  
  
“Can’t you just go?” Kili told him quietly.  
  
“I didn’t fly all the way from London to go anywhere without you.” Fili started yelling at him.  
  
“Who cares why you came here?” Kili looked absentmindedly at Fili.  
  
“I’m going to take care of you if you like it or not.” Fili told Kili firmly.  
  
“Why are you doing this to me?” Kili looked at Fili with tears in his eyes.  
  
“I can’t go away until I make sure you’re fine.” Fili tried to hold down the love confession springing to his mouth.  
  
“Order some pizza if you insist.” Kili gave him a leaflet from a local pizza house, and sat down on the couch holding his legs in his arms.  
  
They waited silently for the pizza, and when it arrived Fili turned on the TV and set it to anything that was on. He put two portions on the only two clean plates he found in the kitchen and watched carefully as Kili ate a bit.  
  
“I’m not very hungry.” Kili told him putting away the pizza.  
  
“I don’t care if you’re hungry or not, I’m not going to let you starve to death. So either you eat or I’ll force you to eat it.” Fili threatened him, only to see tears come to Kili’s eyes and spill down into a stream on his cheeks. He put away his plate and moved closer to Kili, and gently he pulled Kili into his arms. He held him tightly thinking about all the mistakes he made and about how much cared for the person he was holding. It was relief to feel Kili’s body under his hands again, to be able to hold him again.  
  
“Will you please eat for me?” Fili gently whispered.  
  
“I can’t.” Kili cried in his embrace. “Every time I look at food I can’t eat.”  
  
“I’m here with you, and I’m not letting you go.” Fili held him even tighter.  
  
“You meant that?” Kili looked up to look his straight in the eyes for the first time.  
  
“I mean it.” Fili gently replied kissing Kili deeply. “Now eat your pizza before it goes cold. I’m hungry after all that crappy airplane food.” He forced Kili to take his plate, and kept him in his lap holding tightly.


	10. Chapter 10

Once he had Kili in his lap Fili made sure to feed him the pizza, however Kili still surprised with what was happening didn't protest. Fili forced him to two and a half slices of pizza than ate the rest himself.  
  
"Where's the bedroom?" Fili asked when Kili began falling asleep in his arms. "Over there" Kili pointed to the door to the right. Fili took him gently in his arms and carried him to bed trying to ignore the pain he felt looking at famished Kili. He was so fragile and delicate.  
  
. . . . .  
  
Kili slept dreaming about Fili. His dreams were warm and happy for a change, not like the ones he normally had in the last weeks. He woke up just to feel the tight arms and warmth of the person he missed so much. At first he was startled with Fili's presence, but later slowly remembering last night he felt relief. Fili came to him, and he really stayed. Suddenly he felt a huge wave of emotions flowing through him, from pain to extreme happiness. He gently touched Fili's unshaven face giggling at the feeling of his facial hair. Fili looked at him with those blue eyes and smiled. From the comfort of holding him, Kili felt a wave of need to be even closer. They kissed a bit hesitantly. "I have to get up," Kili told him breaking the kiss. "I've got two shows today."  
  
„You said you were moving...." Fili started hesitantly.  
  
"I'm planning to go back to London." Kili told him after a moment. "I hate New York, coming in for a show or two is fine, but working here longer is irritating." Kili began explaining. "The models here are far more competitive than in Europe, and they talk more behind your back and try to backstab you. In Europe my agency and last name are enough to keep those harpies off my back."  
  
"So they've been giving you a hard time?" Fili growled thinking about how difficult it was for Kili.  
  
"They've been gossiping about me for sure, but fortunately my contact here ends with three more shows. I should leave this flat by the end of the week; it's a perk to the contract." Kili slowly explained. "In fact I shouldn't have guests here." Kili finished quietly.  
  
"I'm going to watch your back the whole day so if anyone gives you trouble I'll handle it." Fili told Kili reassuringly. "But after your work we're going shopping, I didn't have time to pack properly."  
  
"I'd love to choose clothes for you." Kili smiled.  
  
"Fine!" Fili grabbed Kili in his arms. "And I would love to have a shower with you." And that's exactly what they did.  
  
Fili was surprised to see the backstage of fashion shows, he normally would sit in the audience, but Kili got him a pass. Soon he noticed that Kili's position was much higher than most models, and he could hear bad stuff being said about Kili, every word was a needle into his heart. No wonder Kili hated the place. No one knew who he was so most people just glanced at his pass and ignored him. He watched the first show from the audience, but later decided to wait in Kili's changing room.  
  
"I'm so glad that British bitch is leaving." He suddenly heard a female voice from nearby.  
  
"Don't worry as soon as she's gone I'll make you the star of this show." He was surprised to hear a male voice answer. Few men worked backstage, some fashion designers and photographers and maybe technical people, but from him short stay at backstage he saw many girls but maybe two or three men.  
  
"I wonder who she slept with to get all those perks." Another female voice joined in the conversation.  
  
"I've been wondering the same thing. Nadia told me she saw a man come into her flat last night, normally all of us would have our contract cancelled just for that." The first girl added.  
  
"I've heard she's a real screamer, Dan told me he did her last week in his office." The man told the women.  
  
"Have you done her?" Fili could hear jealousy in the girl's voice.  
  
"I wish. She's got a great ass." The man replied.  
  
"You'd fuck anything with a skirt." The other woman joked. "If you're planning anything you'd better make your move fast, I've heard she's only got one more show tomorrow."  
  
"I'm planning to give that bitch a hard time." The man sniggered and one of the women laughed.  
  
"You're such an animal." The other woman finally said.  
  
"And you love that..."The man voice was subdued.”Move it, you're going out in three minutes."  
  
Fili could hear the women chat away, but he had a feeling the man was still in front of the changing room. After a moment the door to the room opened and he saw the man come in. The man stopped seeing someone in the room.  
  
"Only authorized personnel can be backstage." The man told Fili bluntly, and Fili just pointed to his pass.  
  
„I thought this was a private changing room, off limits to the personnel." Fili noticed the man was surprised to say the least. However Fili was trained well by his uncle and he just stared at the man coldly.  
  
"I was just checking if everything was okay." The men finally stuttered under the cold glare.  
  
"What about that hard time you were planning to give Kiliana?" Fili asked crossly.  
  
"She's slept with everybody here, so I just want my share." The man clearly forgot where he met the strange man with a British accent.  
  
"Has she really?" Fili asked sending the man a death glare.  
  
"What do you care anyway? She's just one more fine fuckable ass walking around." The man grinned.  
  
"You see I do care, and the next time I hear you talk shit about her or come in her private room I'll show you just how much I care." Fili spoke in a low trembling voice with a threatening undertone. He watched the man run out of the changing room with fear in his eyes.  
  
When Kili came back he immediately noticed Fili was tense.  
  
“What happened?” Kili asked quietly.  
  
"Nothing I couldn't handle." Fili replied.  
  
"There's going to be a party tomorrow after the last show, will you come with me?" Kili asked hesitantly changing into her normal clothes.  
  
"Do you want to go?" Fili asked.  
  
"Well I generally hate these parties, but the designer is a close friend of Gandalf, so I probably should go..." Kili's voice dropped at the end of the sentence.  
  
“Why do you hate them so much?" Fili asked in a low voice.  
  
"Well drinking is risky; I've heard stories of girls getting rape pills at these parties especially in New York. But sponsors will be there, so it's good business to show up." Kili explained.  
  
"And more gossip...." Fili noticed with a smile.  
  
"So will you go with me?" Kili asked sadly.  
  
"Of course I will but first we're going shopping." Fili said grinning.  
  
. . . . .  
  
“So what do you think of this dress?” Kili showed her new outfit.  
  
“Nice, we’re taking it. However it’s too cheap for tonight’s party.” Fili winked at her.  
  
“So give me a moment.” Kili replied with a smile, and showed up in a tight black dress, it was gorgeous with half of his back showing, and swaying beautifully around Kili’s long legs. “Is ten thousand expensive enough for your taste?” He smile showing Fili the price tag.  
  
“Prada will work just fine. Now get dressed before I decided to join you in there and take it off myself.” Fili chuckled as Kili blushed hearing those words.  
  
“Now it’s your turn to get all dressed up.” Kili pulled Fili towards the men department.  
  
Later they sat in a luxurious Chinese restaurant and were talking about their plan to the party.  
  
“So we’re going to stick together as a couple?” Kili asked hesitantly.  
  
“Since we are a couple, we’re going to do whatever we feel like.” Fili looked deeply at Kili, naming their relationship for the first time. Somehow that day was similar to the fun time they shared before their problems started, so they both enjoyed the day.  
  
“There’s one more thing I wanted to give you for tomorrow.” Fili told Kili hesitantly, Kili just blinked looking curiously.  
  
Fili took out a small box from his pocket. “During my last stay in Scotland my mother told me you’re the only girl I can give this to.” He gently handed Kili the box.  
  
“What is it?” Kili asked enthusiastically, but as soon as he opened the box his smile faded. It was a huge diamond ring, its color was unusually bluish purple and the diamond was huge.  
  
“It’s my mother’s engagement ring.” Fili slowly told him. “It’s a rare jewel called the arkenstone, and its worst over ten million pounds. It’s one of a kind.”  
  
“Does it mean what I think it does?” Kili asked terrified.  
  
“It’ll mean only what you want it to mean. I was hoping you would choose to keep it even after tomorrow.” Fili said quietly looking attentively for Kili’s reaction.  
  
“Do I have to answer tonight?” Kili’s voice trembled.  
  
“Take your time; I’m not going anywhere even if you decide not to keep the ring.” Fili smiled and helped Kili try on the ring. It fit just perfectly, although the extravagant jewel was a bit too big for Kili’s slim hand.


	11. Chapter 11

Kili looked dazzling, the dress fit him perfectly, and he was always very skilled with makeup. He spend over two hours doing just his hair, trying to accomplish some intricate design. The ring on his hand was the only jewellery he chose, less means better was, however no one could say a ten million pound ring was less in any aspect. Fili got a black suit to match Kili’s dress, and together they looked fantastic.  
  
The party proved to be what Kili said, lots of people, many models, lots of gossip and venom in every corner. They both decided to stay sober so they just walked around holding tightly and talking to people Kili pointed out as important. Not introducing Fili to the people at the party was a play, they already talked it over and decided to see what happens. All the girls looked jealously at Kili’s ring and at the stunning handsome man next to her. Fili saw the man from Kili’s changing room, but sending one cold glance was enough to keep the wanabe Casanova away from them. The gossip was going wild, but that was exactly what Fili had planned.  
  
“Fili and Kili?” Suddenly they heard a voice call out to them, and Fili immediately hugged the red haired man.  
  
“Fantastic to see you here Gimli!” Kili greeted him.  
  
“It’s wonderful to finally greet you in the family my dear.” Gimli winked at Kili. “I’m glad you finally came to your senses boy.” He elbowed Fili jokingly.  
  
“So what are you doing here?” Fili asked.  
  
“What the hell are you doing in New York and not even one phone call to your closest cousin?” Gimli started joking.  
  
“My condolences my dear cousin, I must have lots your phone number.” Fili began joking.  
  
“So dear Kili, how do you like New York?” Gimli tried to small talk.  
  
“I hate it. A pit of wild snakes.” Kili winked and hung herself on Fili’s shoulder.  
  
“It’s the same at all these parties.” Gimli told them. “However later I’m going to a more private party, would you care to join me?”  
  
“With pleasure.” Kili replied.  
  
They went to a private elite club, and only people on invitation could enter. At first the bouncer didn’t want to let two uninvited guests enter, but the name Durin could open any door anywhere. It was the first real time they went to a place like that, and to their surprise they both loved it.  
  
“I’ve never been to these kind of places.” Kili admitted to Fili. “I was always underage and later I had no time to try it out.”  
  
“You’ll only get a chance with me.” Fili smiled and pulled Kili onto the dance floor.  
  
As they reached Kili’s flat they were holding hands tightly and laughing, it was a fantastic night.  
  
When they reached the flat the door was open, it was evident someone was inside. The bags were all flipped over and the clothes all over the floor. As they were having a great time in the club, someone was having a party in Kili’s flat. Nothing was missing or destroyed, but Kili’s clothes were all over the place and a mess.  
  
“So this how those bitches say goodbye.” Kili murmured with tears in his eyes. “I’ve heard about it before, they did the same to a sixteen year old from Russia.”  
  
“I think we should call the police.” Fili told him gently rubbings his arms trying to calm him down.  
  
“Tomorrow we’re invited to lunch by the designer, but after that I just want to go.” Kili said after a moment of silence.  
  
“I seriously think we should punish whoever did it.” Fili demanded more firmly.  
  
“If we tell it to Lacrosse he’ll deal with it.” Kili replied. “He warned me himself about problems like this. That’s why I practically didn’t bring any personal things here.”  
  
“You’re running instead of dealing with the problem again.” Fili told him sourly, but Kili just turned his head and gave him a very cold glare. “Look who’s talking.” He finally said bitterly.  
  
“This was a hell of a day for both of us.” Fili finally admitted. “Let’s pack first thing in the morning and get a flight after that last lunch meeting.”  
  
“Are we going back to London?” Kili asked hesitantly.  
  
“No, most of your stuff is going to London, pack one suitcase with summer clothes, we’re going someplace warm.” Fili tried to ease the atmosphere.  
  
“Where?” Kili asked again.  
  
“Can you trust me on this?” Fili asked tensely.  
  
“I’m not sure if I can trust you at all.” Kili finally admitted.  
  
“I know I made some mistakes.” Fili admitted.  
  
“That’s the understatement of the year.” Kili summed up.  
  
“Look who’s talking. You kept secrets from me.” Fili raised his voice.  
  
“We’re not going to talk about such stuff here.” Kili cut him short.  
  
“Fine, but you do admit we have to talk?” Fili noticed coldly.  
  
“I do.” Kili whispered. “Although I’m not sure how to talk about some issues.” Kili added. “I think I want you to take this for now.”  
  
Kili slowly took off the ring and handed it to Fili.  
  
“Are you sure you want to give it back?” Fili asked worried and sad.  
  
“I’m not sure.” Kili hesitated. “But before we get some things straight I don’t want to wear it.”  
  
“If you insist.” Fili put the ring back into the box. “I was planning to take a holiday. My uncle has a beautiful house in Greece on a private island. I was hoping you’d want to go there with me for some time.”  
  
“How long?” Kili asked.  
  
“As long as you like. And if you want to come back to London just say a word.” Fili added reassuringly.  
  
“I want to go to bed, I’m tired.” Kili noticed and went to the bedroom without looking back.  
  
"May I come in?" Fili asked hesitantly entering the bedroom.  
  
"You may." Kili answered. "But you better behave or you'll sleep on the couch."  
  
"Don't worry." Fili replied taking Kili into his arms and resting on the pillow. "I'm not planning to make any more mistakes." He could hear Kili gently chuckle and feel him relax in his  
  
arms.  
  
They woke up early and after a shower they decided to pack all of Kili's stuff. It took some time to get the flat in order, and later they left for lunch.  
  
"It's a real pleasure to meet you Mr. Durin." Jerome greeted Fili enthusiastically. "I was wondering who you were last night."  
  
"We tried to keep to ourselves, I just came here for a short stay." Fili replied.  
  
"I'm really disappointed you don't want to extend your contract Kiliana." The designer turned to Kili. "If it's a question of money just name your price."  
  
"It's not a question of money." Kili gulped.  
  
"It's a question of work atmosphere." Fili admitted. "I won't agree to her staying here longer by herself. Your models here have been uncivilized towards Kiliana." Fili spoke coldly turning into the firm businessman he really was.  
  
"What do you mean?" The designer spoke quietly.  
  
"I know Kiliana enough to know that she won't come and complain, but they've been giving her a hard time. Like yesterday after the party her room was turned upside down." Fili told the truth.  
  
"Is that true Kiliana?" The designer looked really worried, and Kili just nodded.  
  
"Kiliana doesn't want to press charges, however that's exactly what I would do." Fili admitted.  
  
"You don't understand, once I do that it'll get worse both here and in Europe." Kili spoke quietly. "This is a closed group of people, and going public with this kind of information will work badly for my career."  
  
"She is right." The designer admitted. "But considering the close relations I have with your father I would protect you nonetheless. You could have come to me earlier."  
  
"I wish I have, but now it doesn't matter, we're catching a plane later tonight." Kili told the man hesitantly.  
  
"It's a shame you decided to leave." The designer admitted. "No one can take your place."  
  
"Maybe if you change the work atmosphere we might visit occasionally." Fili admitted. "After all there are direct flights from London."  
  
"I'll make sure nothing like that happens again." Jerome admitted.  
  
"I'll consider it." Kili finally replied.  
  
"I hope you have a safe flight." The designer bid them goodbye.  
  
After coming back to the flat they called a transport company for most of the luggage, and the left the flat with basic luggage and headed for Greece. Flying all night was tiring, but Fili didn't want to spend one more night in that place. He watched over Kili all night not being able to fall asleep at all on the plane. Kili on the other hand was used to flying a lot, so he just wrapped himself in a blanket and dozed off quickly. Fili couldn't stop thinking of all the things that happened. The happy memoires made him hope they could overcome their problems and move on. He knew he hurt Kili badly, and seeing with his own eyes how fragile Kili had become made him really sad. It was his fault, he rejected him, he hurt him both physically and mentally. He used his body, not thinking about the feelings of the young inexperienced person he was with. He tried not to remember seeing Kili sad, but every time he looked at him the sight of a sad Kili under his body made him regret everything he did. Their current relation was wobbly, and could fall at any time. He knew Kili only barely let him back into his life, if Fili would make one more mistake he was worried about how Kili would react. Loosing Kili would kill him, he realised. This was the only person he could spend his life with.  
  
The house uncle Thorin had in Greece was amazing for Kili. He had never been to such a place, practically empty not counting a few servants. The house itself was huge, there was a big garden and a private beach all around the island. The weather was trilling. It was hot and sunny. And Fili immediately noticed the huge cheerful smile on Kili's face seeing the island. The sun and some rest was exactly what Kili needed. They ate a light breakfast prepared by the staff, and later Fili said he needed to catch some sleep, Kili had planned on reading a book, but seeing Fili sleeping he decided to curl around his boyfriend and relax a bit. Fili woke up feeling Kili next to him, so he reached out and hugged him closer. He gently pressed his lips against Kili's and he immediately heard a moan.


	12. Chapter 12

Waking up to feel Fili's kisses was sweet for Kili, however the moment when his hands began a journey under his clothes Kili felt a ting of panic. He knew their first night was beautiful, but all the later nights were unpleasant to say the least. Kili tensed and when Fili finally broke the kiss, Kili squirmed out of his embrace. "I'm not ready." Kili told him firmly. 

Fili looked at him really sad but just replied "I know. I'm sorry." he gently reached out and held Kili tightly. "Let's go to the beach and relax a bit." 

Going to the beach proved a very bad idea, the sight of Kili in a swimsuit drove him nuts. Kili wasn't wearing a classical bikini, it was more like a dress in Fili's eyes and it left no space for imagination. Kili was really thin after his stay in New York, but his legs were as long as ever, his hair was beautiful and long. They swam a bit, played around and Fili tried to keep his hands to himself which didn't really work. 

They came back to the house holding hands and laughing, just to find dinner served in the dining room. Fili made sure Kili ate as much as possible and they decided to retire for the night. While lying in bed they held each other tightly and began talking about more personal topics. 

"Could you please explain how you became a female model?" Fili finally managed to voice the question bothering him for months.

"It's a long story. Gandalf is a fashion designer and he owns the Grey Agency, one day a model broke her leg, and Gandalf had one hour before the show to find a substitution. So he talked me into it. It was supposed to be for one night only, more like a joke than anything else, however offers in my name started coming into the agency. We talked it over and the only logical thing was to try. So instead of Kilian I became Kiliana. Gandalf took care of the paperwork, actually most people always took me for a girl so it was easy to fit in." Kili slowly explained.

"Haven't you missed being a boy?" Fili asked playing with Kili's long hair.

"Of course I have. But it's more the freedom of being able to walk around in jeans and without make-up. I don't mind wearing dresses, actually they are pretty comfortable, but I hate the constant thinking about what to wear, and if I look girly enough."

"What's wrong with jeans?" Fili joked, "I wear them as often as possible."

"There's nothing wrong with them, the problem is if I wear them I see a boy in the mirror." Kili admitted.

"Will you let me see you once without all the makeup and in jeans? I'd like to see the other side of you." Fili asked hesitantly.

"I've been a girl full time for so long that there is no other side anymore." Kili held Fili arm a bit more tightly. 

"It took me a long time to realize that it doesn't matter if you're a girl or a boy to me." Fili admitted. "When I first saw you I liked you from the start which was very surprising because I thought I was gay. Later I realized you were my chance for normality, to have a normal relationship, maybe a family in the future." He could feel Kili become stiff. "When you agreed to move in with me, those weeks were the best time of my life. I was sexually frustrated I admit, but I was so happy to spend time with you every day. The morning coffees, the dinners, going out in the evenings."

"I wish we could go back to that, it was too good to be true." Kili told him.

"It was thrilling to get to know you better, when you came to Scotland and stood up to my mother you, became the most phenomenal person in my life. What you did during our stay there, how you confronted Dain, how you showed me you wanted me, you stole my heart." Fili continued hearing gasps from Kili.

„What Dain did to you was a test all my cousins’ girlfriends get, and so far you're the only person who passed." Kili just started laughing. 

"And I was getting worried you would get mad at me for telling you about Dain striking up to me." Kili admitted.

"Nah you did great." Fili kissed his hair.

“Your mother really gave you that ring for me? I thought she didn’t like me all that much.” Kili asked hesitantly.

“She likes you a lot. You’re the first girl to ever stand up to her. Uncle Thorin accepted you as well, he even told me not to hurt you.” Fili said slowly. “Do you plan to officially be a girl all your life?”He finally asked.

“Officially yes. However I’m not planning to do any surgery or hormone treatment, so technically I’m not planning to change sex.” Kili explained slowly.

“How come you don’t need to shave?” Fili asked smirking.

“Laser.” Kili admitted.

“Too bad, that means I’ll never see you try to grow a beard.” Fili joked.

They went silent for a longer time both knowing there were more difficult things to talk about. But none of them knew how to address the topic.

“I’m really sorry for what happened later.” Fili said hesitantly.

“Being sorry won’t take back all those things you did.” Kili noticed bluntly. “You didn’t even try to talk to me, you just took whatever you wanted without any explanation.”

“You didn’t talk to me either.” Fili noticed.

“I’m not good with all this relationship stuff, I’ve never been with anyone for the fear they might find out. You were the first person in my life. My first boyfriend and my first lover. I had no idea how to deal with it or talk to you.” Kili slowly said.

“I’m not good with this stuff either. Those girlfriend I brought home we’re only friends, so I wouldn’t call those relationships. I had some flings with men during studies, but it never turned into a relationship per se. In a way you’re my first as well, you’re the first person I’ve ever loved.” Fili tried to explain.

“Then why did you reject me after that first night?” Kili asked in a firm voice.

“I was so shocked with who you were, it was just too much for me to handle. I could have predicted anything, but not the truth. I wanted to be with you, but then you weren’t you anymore.” Fili tried again.

“It was always me.” Kili told him bluntly. “You rejected me.”

“We were so close, I thought we were really together, I thought we would stay together despite the contract. You were so sincere in your emotions to me, you were so loving and caring, I just dreamt of spending the rest of my life with you.” Fili’s voice trembled. “When you took initiative and began driving towards sex, when you showed me how much you wanted me, I truly believed we would spend the rest of our lives together.” Fili could feel Kili tremble in his arms. “That first night I was too drunk to think about who you were. It was just being with you, finally loving you fully. When I woke up I felt betrayed.”

“I never betrayed you or cheated on you.” Kili told him in a shaky voice.

“No you didn’t. But you didn’t tell me the truth either.” Fili told him brutally. “I wish you would have told me, things would have been different.”

“I tried to tell you that night, but you just shut me up.” Kili replied, he shifted to look Fili into his face.

“I was drunk, so I was just thinking about finally getting to you.” Fili didn’t deny anything.

“And what would your reaction be if I had told you earlier?” Kili demanded. “Wouldn’t you feel surprised?”

“It would have blown me off my feet. Looking at you no one would say you’re a boy. Now I don’t know what my reaction would be.” Fili admitted.

“I was so scared you would reject me if I told you. And you really did reject me when you found out.” Kili summed up looking really sad.

“I’m so sorry for that, now I know what I did was very wrong.” Fili added. “If there is anything I can do to make it up to you, I will.”

“I have no idea if there is such a cure for our problems.” Kili noticed sadly. “It’s not all about that morning, but about what happened later.” Fili breathed in deeply knowing what he was going to hear next.

“I might never forgive you what happened during those weeks after Scotland.” Kili noticed frankly. “Nothing you can do, will erase those bad memories.”

“Those are bad memories for me as well.” Fili told Kili with tears in his eyes. “I wish I could take it all back, turn back time. I would give anything to go back to that morning in Scotland and do things differently.”

“I would give anything to do the same.” Kili admitted. 

“So what happens now?” Fili asked not sure what to say.

“I don’t know. You hurt me a lot Fili, you can’t expect me to just forget all about it.” Kili replied. “For now I’m giving you a chance on my conditions, but I won’t promise you anything.”

“I’ll take any chance you give me.” Fili replied grasping any hope. 

“Don’t expect any sex, not for a long time. It’ll take a long time I trust you enough for that.” Kili told him his first condition. “We can sleep together, and be close, but if I start feeling uncomfortable or you do anything to hurt me I’m leaving.”

“Fine, whatever you say.” Fili told him quickly.


	13. Chapter 13

Kili loved their stay in Greece, after the difficult conversation they agreed to give it time, and try again. He was happy being with Fili again, but deep in his head there was still fear of two things, fear of sex and fear that sooner or later Fili will tire of him. He still remembered Fili's words about how he wanted normality, and nothing in their relation was normal. In theory they were a gay couple, but in practice Kili was perceived as a woman. The emotional roller-coaster they experienced nearly drove Kili to suicide, and he couldn't bring himself to tell Fili about it all. He was really happy, but the nightmare of rejection was playing new horror stories in his head. Fili promised so many things, but it the past he had already broken his word. Fili said he wanted to be with Kili, but he also told him about how he wanted to have a family, and family meant children. And that was the one thing Kili would never be able to give him.  
  
Fili was happy Kili was slowly coming back to his old self, he wasn't as thin any more, and he was visibly happy and healthy. After so many days in the sun he had a cute suntan, and with every passing day it was evident Kili's mood was changing for the better. He was still worried, what happened in the past was like a storm cloud hanging over their heads, and he felt deeply worried that one day Kili might decide to leave. And the more time they spent as a couple the more clear it was losing Kili would have tragic consequences. Fili wanted him more than anything in his life; he was his air and water, his Sun and Earth. The physical attraction to this boy pretending to be a girl was crazy in itself. But he loved him despite the double identity and despite the anger he felt before. Kili was his everything.  
  
When they finally decided to go back to London, Fili hesitantly asked Kili if he wanted to move back into his apartment, and Kili just nodded. They went back to the place where they started, and they practically retuned into the routine before Scotland. Both went to work, and later spent as much time together as possible, the only change was with their sleeping arrangements. Kili decided having Fili in his bed was more comfortable than sleeping alone. And since Fili had been behaving for a long time Kili slowly felt a bit more comfortable with Fili’s presence in one bed. Their physical relations were still restraint, only holding hands and gentle kisses if Kili took the initiative. Holding each other at night was natural, joking and sharing a shower was also comfortable. Touching more intimately was still off limits. Any time they would try something Kili would just start to panic and back off. Fili was getting a bit impatient but he knew one false move and he might lose it all.  
  
Much was going on in their social life. Bilbo, Frodo and Ori after worrying endlessly finally had the chance to talk to Kili in person and they used any opportunity to meet up. During the week they would go out to dinner together or Bilbo would prepare a feast for them in his old mansion called Bag End. Bilbo was really busy running the agency alone, and all of them were deliberating about when Gandalf would show up again and create a new collection. Frodo, Bilbo’s seventeen year old nephew was an actor. He had lost his parents as a child, and Bilbo was his closest relative. Just like his famous mother he decided to go into acting. He started playing small commercial roles as a child, and then had a long job for a TV show. When Frodo got a huge role in a Hollywood film, all of them meet in one of the most expensive restaurants in London to celebrate.  
  
“To Frodo!” They drank Champaign and cheer for the young boy.  
  
“I hope you like it in California.” Kili told Frodo with a smile.  
  
“I’m so happy for you my dear lad.” Bilbo spoke with tears in his eyes. “I only wish you weren’t going alone.”  
  
“I’m going to be fine Uncle Bilbo.” Frodo slowly replied.  
  
“Don’t worry Bilbo, I’m going to call my Cousin Bofur, he has a house near the main studios, and he’ll take good care of Frodo. He works in film production so he’ll keep an eye on him.” Fili told Bilbo reassuringly.  
  
Suddenly they heard someone call out to Fili, and his uncle Thorin showed up at their table.  
  
“Uncle you have to join us!” Fili told him and motioned the waiter to get another chair and setting. Thorin greeted Kili with a smile and introduced himself to Bilbo, Frodo and Ori.  
  
“We’re celebrating Frodo’s new role in a film.” Kili explained and handed a glass of Champaign to Thorin.  
  
“You do look familiar.” Thorin noticed glancing at the cute cherub boy with short brown locks surrounding his face. “What kind of film are you going to work in?”  
  
“The working title is “Time long lost.” It’s a drama with some elements of psychology, so it’s not going to be any low class comedy or anything.” Frodo slowly began explaining.  
  
“We have a cousin in California if you need any help.” Thorin offered.  
  
“I’ve already arranged Bofur to take care of him there.” Fili interrupted his uncle with a smile.  
  
“So what do you do Mr. Baggings?” Thorin turned to Bilbo.  
  
“I run a modelling agency with Gandalf Gray.” Bilbo admitted hesitantly, and saw the surprised look on the handsome man's face.  
  
“They are like family to me.” Kili explained.  
  
“I see.” Thorin noticed and glanced back at the cute golden haired man sitting opposite him at the table. “I’m glad I met you both here.” Thorin turned towards to Kili and Fili. “I was hoping you both would come to celebrate Christmas with us and the family in Scotland.”  
  
“Actually I always spend Christmas with Bilbo, Frodo and Ori.” Kili noticed. “And Gandalf if he’s in the country.”  
  
“Well why don’t you all come to join us? The more the merrier and we’ve got enough room to accommodate an army.” Thorin offered.  
  
“You mean we would spend Christmas in a real castle?” Frodo’s voice went up, and he looked at Bilbo with his huge cute puppy eyes.  
  
“You’d be all very welcome.” Thorin added with a smile.  
  
Ori glanced at Kili not wanting to trust his ears, and seeking his support. Kili looked at his best friend with a smile and reached his hand out to him.  
  
“That would be fantastic.” Ori admitted looking back to Bilbo, who in the current situation played the role of the single parent for all three younger boys.  
  
“If that is your wish, I don’t see why not.” Bilbo hesitantly agreed.  
  
“Fili will you arrange it please?” Thorin glanced at Fili, and later turned his eyes back to Kili who was blossoming and clearly the relation between the two was improving. Then he glanced at the cute short man who was so close to Kili. Thorin briefly wondered about Kili’s family situation but talking about such personal stuff in public was out of the question. But he wasn’t going to regret the spontaneous invitation.  
  
. . . . .  
  
Scotland was beautiful in winter, and the snowy mountains clearly visible from the castle gave a stunning atmosphere.  
  
Stepping out of the car all three men were troubled. Ori knew there was a high chance he would meet Dwalin again, after all Dwalin was Fili’s cousin. Frodo was tired after flying back home to Los Angeles, and he wished to see Bofur again. They became close friends over the last month. Bilbo was unhappy to leave his beloved house and spend Christmas somewhere else, he regretted agreeing to coming there but all three boys were so enthusiastic about it, it was the only decision he could make.  
  
Dis greeted them warmly and after the introductions she asked them to come to the dining room for dinner.  
  
“So you’re Kili’s friends?” She asked looking carefully at the three people joining them for the holidays.  
  
“No, they are my family.” Kili slowly told her.  
  
“Would you care to explain in details so we avoid more questions darling?” Fili encouraged Kili to explain.  
  
“My father Gandalf and Mr. Baggings are business partners, and since Gandalf loves to travel he often left me at Bilbo’s. Frodo is Bilbo’s nephew so after his parents died he moved in. Ori is my best friend, and Gandalf took custody of him at the age of fifteen. So we lived together for the last several years.” Kili slowly explained under the curious glare of Thorin and Dis. “This is the only family I’ve got.” Kili finished almost silently.  
  
“And they are very welcome here, darling.” Dis smiled troubled with the vision of having such a small family, and feeling sorry for Frodo, Kili and Ori. “And where is your father?” Dis finally asked thinking over what they said.  
  
“He’s in Italy at the moment.” Bilbo answered. “He’s preparing a new fashion show, I’ve already got the first drawings by e-mail, if you’d like to take a look.” He smiled at Kili and Dis, who seemed very interested.  
  
The three of them left to take a look of the drawings on Bilbo’s laptop, leaving the dining room in dead silence.  
  
Fili, Ori, Frodo and Thorin sat at the table and none of them knew what to talk about.  
  
“Frodo how did you like California?” Thorin finally asked the youngest person at the table.  
  
“It’s fantastic, I’ve still got four more weeks of shooting. So I’m flying back just after New Year’s. Bofur your cousin he was really helpful, So I’m in huge depth to you Fili.” Frodo turned to Fili with a huge smile. Frodo later continued to tell them stories about the new film he was making and the atmosphere lightened up.


	14. Chapter 14

Fili and Kili again got one room, but they didn’t mind this time. It was natural to be together at night, and despite not being intimate the closeness was something both treasured highly. Kili would often wonder how Fili could have two faces like that. When loving he was caring beyond reason, shielding Kili from the world and any trouble, but when mad he would block everything out, he was stubborn as a mule not listening and not caring at all. Their life back in London was bliss, similar to the beginning of their relations. But Scotland was a mile stone, and the previous stay marked a new chapter in their life, a chapter now they would both prefer to forget. Kili had no idea how to deal with the pain and problems, he was a reserved person to begin with, hiding his identity and sex was a challenge in his life. But he did, the whole world was convinced this boy was a girl. Speaking out loud what he really thought about personal matters was extremely difficult. Dealing with their newly established relationship was extremely painful. He pretended he forgot, but deep inside he didn’t forget at all. He didn’t talk, but deep inside he was screaming the pain he felt. In public he would push it all aside, put on his professional smile and behave like the old Kili, but Ori was slowly noticing the difference.  
  
Ori talked to Kili about Scotland before the trip, he wanted to know what Fili did to hurt Kili so badly, but Kili thinking about their mutual relation did not want to confine in him. There was only person Ori knew had that persistence to make Kili speak his mind, but that person was staying in Italy for Christmas. The people Ori met in Scotland were really kind and welcoming, Dis immediately embraced the shy boy as a mother and she showed him acceptance beyond any stranger would. Thorin did not seem all that open, but when Ori observed the older man, he realised he cared a lot about Fili and Kili, so he decided this was the right person to talk to. He waited for a chance to get him alone, and the next day he found him in the office.  
  
“Are you lost?” Thorin asked surprised with the unexpected visitor in his office.  
  
“No, I’m not lost. I was searching for a chance to talk to you in private.” Ori admitted in a shaky voice, the strong charismatic intimidating man suddenly seemed interested.  
  
“Take a seat.” Thorin pointed to a armchair in front of the desk. “What would you like to talk about?”  
  
“I’m really worried about Kili and Fili.” Ori admitted.  
  
“Why is that? They seem fine.” Thorin said looking at the boy carefully.  
  
“Seem is the right word. Before their previous stay here they were really happy, puppy love overly sweet happy. During their previous stay something happened.” Ori started explaining.  
  
“I’ve been wondering about the same thing, however they seem to have managed with the problems.” Thorin said thinking about where this discussion was leading to.  
  
“I know what happened then. “ Ori admitted. “Kili told something to Fili about his past, and Fili didn’t like it.” Ori said as vaguely as possible. “The thing is Kili is still hurt, hurt more than ever. I’m suspecting Fili actually abused her after finding out the truth.”  
  
“I’ve known Fili all his life, he might seem calm, but he does have a temper.” Thorin noticed. “But I have no indication to suspect he could actually abuse the girl he loves so much.”  
  
“I know you’re his relative and all. I’ve tried to talk to Kili about it, but she won’t even acknowledge something is wrong. And believe me I’ve known her all my life, and I know something is very wrong.” Ori noticed. “She’s pretending she’s happy, but deep inside her eyes I can see fear and hesitation.”  
  
“What do you expect me to do?” Thorin asked coldly.  
  
“I can’t force Kili to talk, but maybe you can get Fili to talk with you about it. He’s aware of Kili’s feelings and he seems to be really careful around her.” Ori told Thorin his observations.  
  
“So he’s also troubled with what happened.” Thorin summed up Ori’s words. “I’ll think about it.” Thorin finally replied seeing the shy boy walk up to the door.  
  
. . . . .  
  
When some of the cousins arrived Frodo immediately became the favourite of all the young girls, so he didn’t even have a minute of peace, going skiing and running around with them. Bilbo felt bored out of his wits. With his nephew busy, feeling out of place Bilbo would spend hours in the library reading and trying to forget about his favourite chocolate pie he always baked for Christmas. After two days he had enough of Scotland and the castle. He wondered why he ever agreed to this trip, he hated cold and winter, he hated not knowing the people walking around. He just wished he could have stayed in his beloved Bag End and prepare Christmas the way he was used to. The third day he felt defiant. He decided since Christmas was here, he would make it the way he liked it to be. He barged into the kitchen were two chefs were preparing some food, and he bluntly told them he’s going to cook lunch today and gave them time off. Both men were really surprised, but they decided arguing with a guest was unheard of. Bilbo finally felt in his element, the huge kitchen and keeping busy was exactly what he needed to feel at peace with himself.  
  
When lunch was served the comments at the table made Bilbo’s hear fly. Everyone loved the food served, and he immediately saw Kili’s huge brown eyes go bright and she looked at him with a huge smile.  
  
“Next time you raid the kitchen give me a chance to join you.” Kili whispered to Bilbo trying to speak as quietly as possible.  
  
“You have a deal.” Bilbo replied with a smile.  
  
“I wonder where the chefs got those recipes from, they never cooked those dishes before.” Dis was clearly embezzled.  
  
“I think they had a little help.” Fili commented, he had immediately noticed Kili glaring at Bilbo.  
  
He pulled Kili closer to him, and Thorin noticed the girl gasp and move a bit away. She hesitantly put her arm around Fili, but not as she did in the past. Thorin’s eyes were focused on them in the last days, so he missed the fact that one of their guests was bored. He saw the smile she gave the short man gave and how they whispered something to each other. Only Frodo and Ori weren’t surprised with the food, so they probably knew who took over the kitchen, so Bilbo was the only candidate.  
  
He felt interested in this short cute man from the start. He liked the old-fashioned way he dressed with style. He liked the courteous manners and bight clever eyes. If this hadn’t been a relative to Kili, he would have perused him he realised. If this hadn’t been a man, he would have even considered an official relationship. Those soft pinks lips made him hypnotized, and those curly locks made him look youthful despite being well over thirty. Thorin felt a wave of lust come over him, something he hadn’t felt in years. He always avoided relationships with people his family knew, he generally avoided all kinds of relationships, and flings were just something he used to do.  
  
He focused again on the couple which was troubling him so much. He slowly saw the symptoms Ori was talking about, and he was wondering what could be done about it. Kili did seem more reserved than before, she would sometimes flinch a bit if Fili held her too close, and they practically never kissed in public like they used to previously. He knew his nephew very well, Fili had always been very private and reserved as well, but it was clear as day he felt guilty for something, and he was trying to make it up to Kili. He decided to wait with the discussion till after dinner, he knew some of the younger family members were planning a small party, and the best time to approach Fili was after a drink or two. When the party started Kili and Fili were close but not as interlaced as they used to. Thorin motioned to Fili to come with him, and led him to the office.  
  
“You wanted something uncle? I don’t want to leave Kili alone with Dain at the party.” Fili asked suspiciously.  
  
“Bilbo and Ori will look out for her.” Thorin told him. “I’m going to look out for her as well.”  
  
Fili glared at his uncle not understanding. “What do you mean?”  
  
“What did you do to Kili to make her so scared of you?” Thorin asked motioning Fili to sit down.  
  
“I didn’t...” Fili gasped.  
  
“Don’t lie to me. Out of all the people in the world don’t you ever lie to me!” Thorin raised his voice.  
  
Then his nephews eyes went glassy, and he could clearly see tears in his eyes.  
  
“I screwed up really badly.” Fili replied with a trembling voice.  
  
“Start form the beginning.” Thorin told him calmly.  
  
“I brought her here the first time to pretend being my girlfriend.” Fili admitted. “To make mom shut up finally about me marrying that girl from Warwick.”  
  
“So you’re gay after all?” Thorin asked hesitantly.  
  
“You knew?” Fili’s eyes went wide.  
  
“Of course I knew.” Thorin informed him. “At least I suspected it, and so did your mom.”  
  
“Shit!” Fili noticed.  
  
“So what happened?” Thorin urged Fili to come back on topic.  
  
“When I met Kili, I thought she was the perfect girlfriend for me, and I was right. She’s the best thing that ever happened to me.” Fili explained.  
  
“So you feel in love, even though she’s a girl.” Thorin summed up.  
  
“We became so close so fast, it was like a storm. I can’t live without her.” Fili tried to point out how much he loved her. “She’s the most important most precious person to me in my life. And I want to spend the rest of my life with her. She doesn’t care shit about our money, she just loves me.”  
  
“And then you came here.” Thorin pointed out.  
  
“The trip here changed everything, I found out something about her that just changed my whole perception of her. She hid something very important from me, and I just couldn’t handle it.” Fili fell apart. “I felt betrayed. I felt like she didn’t love me, even though deep inside I knew she loved me.”  
  
“What did you do?” Thorin asked in a icy cold voice.  
  
“I forced her...” Fili could barely say those words.  
  
Thorin’s heart went cold hearing the confession, he stared at his nephew with a face showing disgust. “What was so important to rape your most beloved person?” Thorin asked feeling the need to actually hit his own nephew.  
  
“I promised never to tell anyone about it.” Fili told his uncle. “I know I did wrong, I know I hurt her. She left me after coming back to London, that’s why she moved to New York. She got depressed, and she practically began starving herself to death.” Fili’s voice was trembling with emotions the words barely coming out of his mouth. “When Ori told me to go to New York to her, she was nearly fifteen kilograms thinner than she is now. She had problems eating, and she was depressed. And it’s all my fault! I lost her, and I nearly drove her to suicide with what I did. And I don’t know how to live with it, she gave me a chance but she’s keeping me at a distance and I have no idea how to fix it. There might never be a way to fix it.”  
  
“Can you live with that secret of hers now? Can you handle it?” Thorin asked.  
  
“I got used to the idea.” Fili spoke hesitantly. “It was difficult to accept, but when I saw her in New York thin as a willow, I realised it didn’t really matter.”  
  
“I’m surprised she let you back into her life after what happened. I personally would kill you if I were a family member of hers. Nothing justifies rape on the person closest to you. I can see only one reason why she would let you into her life, she must really love you deeply and not be able to function without you. I told you before she’s a fragile person, but you just didn’t listen.” Thorin was cold with disgust.  
  
“I want her more than anything in my life.” Fili tried to explain.  
  
“Maybe that’s the reason why you did it. We spoilt you too much, you always had anything you wanted.” Thorin was in shock. “She doesn’t have anyone to stand up for her, and I’m going to do that for her.” Thorin stood up looking coldly at his closest relative. “I’m going to punish you for what you did, but first I’m going to talk to her. Go and get her, and later get lost for some time I don’t want to look at you now.”  
  
After fifteen minutes Fili brought Kili to Thorin’s office.  
  
“What’s going on?” Kili seemed really surprised.  
  
“Fili get lost.” Thorin ordered. “Would you please sit down Kili, we need to talk.”  
  
“Have you gone to therapy after what Fili did to you?” Thorin asked with a calm voice. Kili glared at him and shook her head.  
  
“How did you know?” Kili’s voice was shaking.  
  
“I noticed something was wrong and I confronted him. He confessed to hurting you.” Thorin spoke quietly.  
  
“What do you want?” Kili’s voice was trembling.  
  
“I want to know how to punish him.” Thorin tried to stay calm seeing the girl tremble and cry in front of him. “But first tell me your story.”  
  
“I’m not sure I want to talk about it.” Kili spoke quietly.  
  
“You should. You didn’t go to therapy and you should let it all go. I’m going to support you and help you, so please trust me.” Thorin was trying to make her understand he was on her side.  
  
“We met at a show, and Fili asked me to pretend to be his girlfriend.” Kili swallowed hard. “That was a mistake, I knew from the beginning I liked him, and it was like playing with fire. I knew if we got to close he would find out my secret, and I was so scared he would.” Kili stopped speaking.  
  
“I’m not asking about that, if it makes you comfortable, I’m more interested in what he did.” Thorin assured her.  
  
“He took it badly. And he said I lied and betrayed him.” Kili’s whole body was shaking.  
  
“Then he forced you...” Thorin gently spoke to the girl, and the girl nodded.  
  
“When we came back to London it was horrible, he stopped talking to me at all, he stopped kissing and hugging me. He would force me to sleep with him, and then I decided I couldn’t take it any more.” Kili spoke really slowly.  
  
“So then you ran away to New York?” Thorin asked.  
  
“Yes, but without him it was all hopeless. I felt so empty and so unhappy, eating wasn’t important, I would just work and cry. I loved him so much, he’s the only person I could be with in my life, and it felt so bad he rejected me. It felt so bad he did those things to me.” Kili spoke and cried.  
  
“Why did you let him back into your life?” Thorin was perplexed with that notion.  
  
“I love him. Despite everything that happened I love him.” Kili looked at Thorin with strong confident eyes.  
  
“Has he done anything since you came back from New York?” Thorin asked.  
  
“No. He’s been kind and gentle.” Kili told him. “I want to be with him fully, but I just can’t forget.”  
  
“Do you want me to punish him?” Thorin asked not sure what to do next. Kili looked at him with sadness in those huge brown eyes.  
  
“No. I just want to feel safe next to him again.” Kili admitted.  
  
“If he ever does anything to hurt you, I want to know about it.” Thorin told him firmly. “You might not be my family member, but I feel responsible for what he did. If I had raised him better he would have never hurt you.”  
  
“You can’t blame yourself for what he did.” Kili noticed.  
  
“But I can, I’ve been living a lie and I haven’t been honest with my family. I never could talk about personal things and I never taught Fili how to talk about personal problems.” Thorin noticed bitterly.  
  
They heard a gently knock on the door. “May I come in?” Fili asked with a very sad voice.  
  
“Yes, you may.” Kili answered. Fili immediately took his chance and sat right next to Kili and held her hand.  
  
“I’m not sure I want to talk to you yet.” Thorin noticed coldly.  
  
“I just wanted to say I’m sorry.” Fili admitted looking at Kili tentatively.  
  
“I’m also sorry for keeping things from you, but it was very difficult for me.” Kili noticed in a small voice.  
  
“You both need to talk more, if you really want this relationship to work. Only time can heal wounds like what you did to Kili, and it might take really long for her to forgive you.” Thorin noticed trying not to look at his nephew. “I still feel like punching you and kicking you out the door.”  
  
“Then punch me, punish me anyway you see fit.” Fili admitted.  
  
“No!” Kili spoke loudly. “I don’t want you hurt!”  
  
“But you should!” Fili cried. “After all I did you could kill me and I would never be mad at you for it!” Kili grabbed him tightly and held onto him.  
  
“I love you more than anyone, so I would never want to see you hurt. I can’t imagine life without you!” Kili admitted with tears in her eyes.  
  
“You want a good piece of advice?” Thorin told them. “Just go to bed, stop thinking and feel and do whatever seems right for both of you. Get lost kids!” He pointed to the door, still feeling confusion.


End file.
